- When people find out I'm a hostage negotiator and I work in conflict resolution, you get a look on your face. And when you do, I know you're thinking of those high-stakes scenarios that you see in the movies-- the police barricades, snipers on rooftops, helicopters circling overhead. Is it a bank robbery gone wrong, a hostile takeover at an embassy, something out of Die Hard? Well, me and Bruce-- like that. Joking, just joking. 

But what it isn't a joke is what gets left out. What doesn't come to mind when we think of high-stakes crisis and conflict resolution, and that's us. It's the couple that's working through the rough patch in their relationship. It's the exasperation in-laws feel when a new marriage divides families. It's empty nest syndrome, relentless arguments over finances. For me, it's a 14-year-old teenager on the other end of my crisis call. 

It's all of these things that might be resolved if we had the tools but are also the kinds of situations that can decimate and destroy and tear families apart. What I want for you is to see that the highest stakes in conflict resolution are happening in the relationships we have every day. If you build those relationships and those skills, you have an opportunity to protect and elevate those relationships. Because when you're in an argument with your spouse, with your teenager, there's no backup SWAT team standing by to help. It's just you. 

And that means the stakes are as high as they can get. And I understand. More than 25 years ago, my life altered. My husband suffered a brain injury. It was hard to diagnose. He was in three car accidents in nine months. And while he looked normal, brought him home a completely different person. I was nine months pregnant with baby number six. And my husband was now trapped in the fog of his injuries believing I was plotting against him. 

After more than 10 years of drowning in my own chaos, I knew I had to figure out a solution. So I got educated, and I began working and volunteering in these fields. And then I began to notice a theme of poor decisions that stood in the way of good people getting what they wanted. And then I saw the skills we professionals used that could miraculously move people from rigid to resolved. 

And that led me to ask the question, how can we use what the experts use in our own lives? And that idea changed my life. After years of study, I came up with five universal skills the experts use to resolve conflicts. It's curiosity, their attitude, master listening, connection, and reframing. And while I can't go through all of them here today, what unites these five skills is curiosity. 

But there's lots of curiosities. There's a curiosity that will inspire you to learn something like 18th century art. There's a curiosity that will motivate your ambition to climb that corporate ladder. There's curiosity that helps you avoid risk. But the curiosity in resolution, it's epic. It removes the clutter. It eliminates the ability to make excuses and rationalizations. 

It uses plain language with simple intent. What do you want? And how would you like to get there? When we're in a fight, we knuckle under. We dig in. And we insist and lock into insisting we are right. So the last thing we want to do is be curious about what the other side sees. But that's the key. 

And I know curiosity gets a bad rap. It's what killed the cat. It's what gets Curious George into trouble. But not here. Here, if you want to elevate your relationship, get curious. And if you want to know how, there's only two areas of focus, you and them. 

So I'd like to focus on you for a minute. And I want to ask you three questions that are going to reveal your own little secret about how curious you are in conflict. So I want you to think of a terrible fight. Can you picture it? 

Question number one-- did you allow them to have their own story independent of yours? Question two-- were you willing to hear their story without the emotional or verbal backlash that we are so good at? And number three-- did you allow their story to become part of the solution? That's it. Those are the three questions. 

You guys, in life-critical situations, high stakes, these are the things we look for. We invite, we ask about, we want to know and learn what is happening on the other side. Shouldn't we want those for our relationships? 

Focus area number two is them. But how can you be curious when it seems like they're the ones causing all the problems? Well, if you want a curiosity breakthrough that will blow your mind- so simple. Go home. Find somebody to talk to. Ask them questions for 15 minutes. Just questions. 

But there's a caveat. No prompts from you. That means no facial expressions showing your opinion. No saying, I get it, I can relate, I understand, and then you begin story-swapping or sharing your words of wisdom over your experiences. No noises that come from you-- mm, hm-mm, hm-hm. When you do those things, they will almost always change their story. So just ask questions. It is the stronger way of talking to somebody. 

So let me see if I can bring this into a package for you. Let's say your spouse is really angry, and you're the target. Well, of course you're the target. Let them have their story. Hear it without backlash. 

And then take a breath. In simple language, and using their story as part of the solution, ask a question like-- this is just an example. "So you said that I don't care about our kids. When you said that, what did you see in me that made you feel that way?" Or one of my favorites is, "What would it take to make things right?" 

Finally, ask questions before people feel hopeless, before kids are thrown into a divorce, your friends choose sides because you may not be the one they pick, before the in-laws walk out and miss holidays and recitals. Now, I'm going to just insert-- I don't know where my marriage is going. We've been married for more than three decades now. But what I can tell you is this literally saved it. 

I now know this man is a divine, exquisite human being that deserves the very best the world has to offer. And I didn't get there on my own account. I got there through curiosity. So be intentional about learning about where the other side is coming from. And instead of digging into your own position and doubling down on that, do the opposite. Ask them about their position. Use that as the start of your curiosity in conflict. Thank you. 

[APPLAUSE]